Wilmington Suffers String of Earthquakes; Mayor Makes Ominous Announcement

For the past three weeks, Wilmington has suffered twenty-four earthquakes, ranging from 0.6-3.4 on the Richter Scale. This epidemic was defined as “…highly unusual…” by Colton Lynner, an assistant professor in the University of Delaware’s Department of Earth Sciences. Many Wilmington citizens also reportedly heard high-pitched screeching when these earthquakes hit.

In a press conference called yesterday, Wilmington’s Mayor, Michael Purzycki, refused to answer any questions, instead ominously saying, “The Wilmington is ready for a new host.” When asked by one of our reporters what he meant by that, Purzycki responded by screeching, punching our reporter in the face, and running back into city hall.

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