Something Happened, We’re Sure of It

Today has been a slow news day here at The National Delawar, but we’re sure this isn’t because there isn’t any news. There’s always news; there has to be. We think that whatever has happened just hasn’t reached our ears yet.

Not that we haven’t been trying, mind you. We’ve been talking to all of our informants, as well as sending out all of our reporters (including our Rapid Reporting Team, which consists of two former Navy S.E.A.L.s and three former S.W.A.T. members) to look for stories across all of Delaware.

Unfortunately, nothing of value has come up, as “Woman Orders Two Cherries on Sundae Instead of One” isn’t a good headline. Also, wow, corruption in D.C.. How shocking.

Naturally, as Delawar is the most interesting state, the only reasonable conclusion is that there is a conspiracy against The National Delawar to keep our prying eyes from the latest excitement in Delaware. Fear not, fellow Delawareans! We will leave no stone unturned till we find the perpetrators of this conspiracy and drop them all off a cliff!